Chasing Blue Sky

(This is snagged from OG over at Neanderpundit.com, but was so good, I had to share.)

Fun with Fucktards

So I go into Wild Oats Market tonight, in search of steel cut oats.

And I find them, very quickly, and am ready to leave. The macrobiotic patchouli scented crap was making me crazy, and the hippies were making me sick. One couple, in particular, were particularly annoying. As I reached for my can of Irish steel cut oats, I noticed him making hand gestures toward his ear (He didn’t have a bluetooth headset in, I did) and overheard him saying “ooh, I’m so cool, I have bluetooth”.

Actually, it’s nothing of the sort, I frankly forgot I had it in, and I do hate looking like the Borg.

But hey, I thought, why not have some fun with it.

So i walked a bit further down the aisle. Now, I’m out of range- the phone itself is out in the car. This headset, when it goes out of range of the phone, the blue light goes on, and the headset beeps.

So I put my hand to my ear.

“hello?”

The hippie couple look up from their macrobiotic organically grown fuckstick sprouts.

“Yeah, it’s me. How can I help you?”

Of course, there’s nobody there, the headset is disconnected but the light is on, and THEY don’t know it’s out of range

“Oh, sure. yeah? Take the shot.”
Hippies look up
“Yeah, take the shot. it’s fine.”

a pause. I nod my head.

“Third and fourth Thoracic Vertebra. Really.”

Hippies beginning to look startled

“Draw an imaginary line from the top of the left to the top of the right shoulder, and about four inches below the center.”

“No, nobody will ever know. Nobody living, anyway.”

“Don’t jerk the trigger. You remember the training.”

“Yes, each one is a little easier than the last. This is what, five?”

“Nine? Wow, time flies. Is that the siencer? You should have put that on earlier.”

“Don’t forget the window this time. yes, you only have to open it for the shot.”
“You have it? No, don’t take it until you hang up, I don’t want to be deaf in one ear.”

I tap my ear again and walk toward the entrance, the blue light goes off.

Like magic, I get a call from a co-worker. I tap my ear again.

“Yes? Can I help you? oh, you. Are you done now? yes? good. Don’t forget to clean up. Talk later!”

By now the hippies have put down their selections and are making for the door at a speed you might call “let’s get out of here without being too obvious”.

hey, why not.

While she was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face - PRICELESS

Rs Conqueror: dude
Xenocidaltendncy: hey whatup
Rs Conqueror: "sum up your sex life using star wars quotes"
Xenocidaltendncy: ...
Rs Conqueror: "you were right about one thing, the negotiations were short"
Xenocidaltendncy: young fool... only now, at the end, do you understand
Rs Conqueror: "how're we doing kid?" "same as always.." "that bad huh?"
Xenocidaltendncy: "if money is all you want, then that's what you'll get"
Rs Conqueror: "Ten thousand?? We could buy our own ship for that!"
Xenocidaltendncy: "these aren't the droids you're looking for"
Rs Conqueror: "I don't care what you smell, just get in there you big lug!"
Xenocidaltendncy: "going in at that speed, do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
Rs Conqueror: "No luke... I am your father"
Xenocidaltendncy: "and now, princess, we will discuss the location of your rebel base" *thwrum thwruuum thwruuuuum*
Rs Conqueror: "judge me by my size do you?"
Xenocidaltendncy: "Yeah, but this time I've got the money"
Rs Conqueror: She may not look like much, but "she's got it where it counts, kid."
Rs Conqueror: "I haven't seen him. It's possible he came in through the south entrance."
Xenocidaltendncy: "I've got a feeling I'm never going to see her again"
Rs Conqueror: "and I thought these things smelled bad... on the outsde"
Xenocidaltendncy: "Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it"
Rs Conqueror: "You're not actually going INTO an asteroid field...!!!"
Rs Conqueror: "Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is!"